Why I'm Tired

It is before 6:00am and I am sitting in the dark outside my bedroom door. Ryan woke up at 5:20am and stumbled into our room. She saw Jim getting ready to go workout and in her half-awake, mostly asleep state, she got angry at him.

"What are you doing up? Why are you up?" she asked as she made her way into the bathroom.

"I"m getting ready to go exercise honey, come on, let's go back to bed," he comforted her. He tried to pick her up to take her back to her room but she shrugged him off, still confused.

"It's too late to exercise. You need to go to bed." she insisted. "Where is mommy?"

"I'm here honey, in bed."

She turned around and came over rubbing her eyes and crawled up into our bed. "Why is daddy up?" she asked, more calmly this time.

"He's going to workout. Here, lay down with me, sweetheart." I pulled back the blankets and made room for her next to me.

Mistake number one. I know she never goes to sleep when she's in bed with me. She lays on her side with her hands folded under her head and stares at me. She prefers I do the same. She smiles, I smile. She blows me a kiss, I blow her a kiss. I tell her no talking or she has to go to her room. She nods and says "I love you mommy." She closes her eyes. I do the same. After a few minutes, my hip is aching and I have an itch on my chin I desperately want to scratch but what if she is asleep or in that pre-sleep, post-awake state where you know you're about to fall asleep? I don't dare move. I lay there hoping that one or both of us can fall asleep. She's been quiet for a few minutes but I don't hear that rhythmic breathing that comes with sleep. Another minute passes, and another. I risk moving ever so slightly. Mistake number two.

"Mommy, do I have school today?" she asks.

"Yes," I sigh. "I'm going downstairs now. You need to sleep some more." Of course this doesn't work. She insists she come down with me and I insist not. We compromise (i.e., I fold) and I end up bringing my computer upstairs. I'm supposed to be in the room with her, working on the couch, but it is quiet in there and I'm hoping for an early Christmas miracle that maybe she has fallen asleep in the time it took me to make a pot of coffee. Hence, I'm sitting outside my bedroom door in the dark before 6:00am. At least I have a cup of coffee. And I'm under no illusions that this will be the last time I sit in the dark on a computer hoping my children are sleeping.